Jessica MacMaster Danson: 1916-2006
by Tessa Bielecki

Monday, January 9

The Hospice guidelines explain that close to one or two days prior to death, the person may experience a surge of energy. "The spiritual energy for transition from this world to the next has arrived, and it is used for a time of physical expression before moving on." Was this what Jessica was doing yesterday?

For today a dramatic decline is evident. Jess seems farther away. Her eyes are closed constantly, and she doesn't talk. But throughout the day she moans and repeats "Uh-oh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-oh." She seems to be in great discomfort, especially in her legs; rubbing and massaging only seems to help for short periods before she begins to groan again. It is a painful restless day for her, and an important opportunity for caregivers to let go and understand that there is only so much we can do to "fix" things.

The Hospice nurse came, and as we all gathered in the bedroom, she eloquently explained how Jessica is in the process of "active dying," doing it peacefully and well. Don't you love the emphasis on ACTIVE dying? I loved her emphasis on not interfering in the "mystery." She also told us what to expect in the next 72 hours, which she guesses is the approximate time left, and then demonstrated a technique called "healing touch" to help Jessica relax. The nurse's wisdom and compassion were so enlightening and comforting for all of us. "You mean she won't be in agony, but we will?" asked Ted. "Yes," she said. Several of us wished we'd known all this earlier before Hospice was founded and we had to take care of dying parents without guidance or support.

Fr. Dave returned from Tucson and sat with Connie and me by Jess's bedside to pray in silence. Jessica did not seem aware of his presence, but when I told her he was there, she reached for him. He quietly read the scripture meditations from the Roman Catholic rituals for the dying which seemed to calm Jessica and distract her from her discomfort. When he finished John 14:1-6,23,27, with difficulty Jessica said "Beautiful!" And when Connie and I concluded with "My soul is longing for your peace" again, she said, "I love that."

When we left for the evening, Jan insightfully said how glad she was that Jessica didn't die a week ago when Fr. Dave celebrated that incredible Mass of the Transfiguration. Then we would have felt Jessica's absence too keenly, since she was still very much herself and very much with us. But now, as we watch her fade away more each day and struggle for release, the extra time helps all of us let go of her more gradually and gladly, as we, too, long for her freedom.

Next Journal Entry || Fr. Dave Denny's Reflections on Jessica