by Tessa Bielecki

Friday, January 6

I'm glad we prayed Compline together last night and didn't wait. At 9:30 this morning Jan called to say Jessica was considerably weaker and we should come right away. Eventually everyone gathered in the bedroom, and it seemed certain that Jessica wouldn't live out the day. Feast of Epiphany: a good day to make the final journey. Jessica agreed, and is so ready to go, but she keeps lingering. Connie and I sat quietly alone with her a good part of the day and I became the "scribe," since Jessica was very vocal as she moved into a deeper phase of the dying process. Her voice had been weak all morning, but at 1 pm she cried out in a strong voice, "All right! All right! Come! One, two, three, ok, ok, here I come!" She also silently repeated the name of her husband, Ned, who died five years ago.

I felt privileged to be present for (and record) visits with her gardener and his little family, and with her neighbor, Faith Fuller. "I can't believe I'm going," she told Faith. "What communion we have here." To Raul she said, "God bless you. May we meet again in heaven. I have a tear in my eye." "I'll miss you," she said to his wife Maria and son Ivan, and "beautiful people," as she kissed Maria's hand and Ivan's cheek, smiled, then waved goodbye.

"Is everyone sleeping at our house?" she asked Connie, who answered, "Yes. Everyone's very close." "Good," said Jess, "I like that!" Then a long series of restless movements began, and every few minutes Jessica said, "How do I get out of here?" "How do I get out?" "I want to get out." "Yes, you want to go home to God," soothed Jan. "I must go," insisted Jessica, "but I'm too weak.""Where you're going, you can go weak," I responded. "The weaker, the better."Jessica nodded and smiled at me beatifically. Then she pulled off the covers, tried to walk, and said, "I'm going to get dressed... I guess I'm going around the corner...Let's go." "Are you all right?", she asked Jan. "You look prettier and prettier." Jan responded, "Your heart's working so hard, it will give out soon and you can go to God." (Her heart is pumping 140 beats per minute and higher.) "Do you really feel that way?" Jessica asked longingly. "Will it be today?"

Next Journal Entry || Fr. Dave Denny's Reflections on Jessica